why, thank you, i needed that...

so i know that a proper lady sends thank you cards. i have ranted about the lack of proper ladies lately. i know that you don't look a gift horse in the mouth. i know that you fake love the ugly socks in your stocking. i know this cause i was raised right. but i've always wondered if there was a limit to how much faking you could do when the gift was just so shocking that your brain didn't have time to fake and could only go "good golly what the poo?"
this happened to me recently. i got a box of books delivered to me at work. used books that an older man's daughter had used but no longer needed. books he thought he would pass along to me just in case i could use them...for the youth or something. upon closer inspection of the items i wondered...were these really intended for my 14 year olds??

now, like i said, i know how to respond to any gift. people bring me old food, notepads and pens they've stolen from doctor's offices, rocks, socks, and coin purses. for real, work in a church and you too can be showered with gifts from the elderly. but, never in all of my days have i gotten books about how to land a man. this is for sure the best gift i've ever gotten because by george not only is it thoughtful...it's so useful!
i have often wondered why people assume that i would never choose my single life. people seem to think that it must be the result of something bad i've done in a previous life, or that i am secretly a nun, or that i have such low self-esteem that i couldn't possibly be in a productive relationship. well, folks, let me address these completely logical trains of thought.
1. i like being single.
now, do i intend to be single sara forever, no. but, right now it works and i don't intend to force a change.
2. i don't believe in past lives...thus i can not possibly be punnished for one.
3. i think i am pretty freaking great. i am smart, employeed, clean, crafty, financially stable, a wee bit witty, and juggling all these sweet traits with a non-offensive demeanor. i call that winning...not death by solitude.
4. i do like nuns a lot. i do not intend to be one. the shoes are terrible.
so all that said i would like to say that while the books were so terribly kind (i know it would make my life easier if i had a big strong man around the house to kill bugs, open jars, and reach the top shelf) please do not assume a fundamental part of my life is missing because i am able to manage perfectly with a one car garage. please do not assume that i am broken hearted and sad because i have to rsvp 1 to special events. please do not be nervous on my behalf that my biological clock may explode before i ever start trying to make babies. please don't worry about my house being invaded by woman eating insects, i pay a bug guy. and please, know that i can open my own jars...i have a gripper thing that has never let me down.
so here's to the single ladies who fight off set-ups like it's their full-time job. here's to the single ladies who mow their own yards (i don't but i know some of you do). here's to the single ladies who have managed to find meaning in their pitiful, lonely, unnatural lives. and here's to all the people who think we would give our right arm to change it all...oops. you're bad.

i'm as good once as i ever was

welp, irony is a real pain in the buttocks. i have a birthday-i mean anniversary- and i reflect on where i've been and how far i've come and decide that i am a wiser better person for all my experiences. FALSE. i'm still a real piece of work sometimes.
see i have these friends, sisters really (thank you KD for being a great thing), who have the ability to make me want to act like a total goober. i feel the need to resort to my former bonehead self in order to bring the buckets of fun. well...way to go old fart sara.
i like to think that toby keith has the ability to really speak to people's hearts. i mean songs like "who's your daddy" and "i wanna talk about me" really have changed my life. no. however, old toby really did hit the nail on the head with the loaded lyrics "i'm not as good as i once was, but i'm as good once as i ever was." i chose to live like toby. i was convinced that while i may not be able to live up to the old title "club sara" i could sure bring it for a few hours.
it is this myth that i would like to speak to. i am not able to bring it. i am not 21 anymore. and more importantly like an old car i take a little more effort to repair. one night with the girls (and no it is not their fault i'm a giant boob) was equal to 2 days of recovery. not just because i was too big for my britches but for several reasons.
1. i stayed up past 10 p.m. and WOWZERS that is a nightmare.
2. i got to enjoy a little secondhand smoke which my eyes are still crying over.
3. i overextended my social routine. it's tiring talking to so many people.
4. i still had to be up early (because i'm 100 years old and i just happen to be up with the sunrise).
however, even with it's hardships i had a hoot and a holler. nope...i could not go back to college and keep up. i am not really sure how i managed to be a student, socialite, sorority member, and gainful employee for 5.5 years while i maintained disfunctional behavior. BUT i'm as good once as i ever was; i will just need a biscuit, tylenol, entire afternoon in the pool, and a coke the size of my face.
all of this to say: man i love my friends and seeing their faces and having a time to be former verson of ourselves makes me love them more.