yeah, but are you friends on facebook?

at what point in time did i morph into this alternate universe in which relationships are defined not by legitimate personal connections, but rather by your social networking status? seriously, when? i can't even believe that i have conversations that include the question "are you friends on facebook?" or "does he/she have an open profile?" or "can you see their pictures?" however, on a regular basis, i have detailed and important conversations about the connections and interests i share with people in a vast virtual universe--some of whom i have only spoken to once or twice in real life. for real, it boggles my mind.
this became a glaring concern as i recently made huge decisions based on information i gained via "online investigative reporting" (as i like to call it). i literally dove into drawn out discussions and subsequently oversized decisions based on the possibility of potentially inapproppriate cyber activity. i was actually alarmed enough by a facebook incident that it altered the way i behaved in the world of 3D. i must be crazy, right?
well, actually, the craziest part is that i'm not crazy at all! i'm actually in the majority (if everyone would honestly admit to their behavior).
i never imagined a time when my e-mail, facebook, twitter, and google chat etiquitte would be more telling about my personality than my actual face to face interactions with a live audience. i never imagined a time when i would update my status so regularly that it seemed only natural to tell hundreds of my closest friends that my hair dryer caught on fire. i never imagined a time when i would check out a profile much the way i would read an old fashioned paper resume to determine someone's "value." i mean, whoa, is this real life? and if it is...it's alarming.
now, normally, i blog about other people's behavior. normally, i point out how normal i am and how messed up other people are. well, today is no different. i am again floating in a sea of normal...however, every other crazy person i know gets to hop in their innertube of insanity and float along beside me as my "friend." maybe that is the beauty of this all?! it has messed us all up to such an extreme that maybe, just maybe, we're even. maybe.
so here's to you, facebook stalker, you know where your ex-boyfriend checked-in and who he was with at 9 am on a tuesday (and 1 am on a saturday) and now you can rest easy. here's to you, crazy guy, who has your friends add the girl you are crushing on so that when you view her profile together you will be able to come to some real solid decisions about her hair, make-up, wardrobe, and maternal instincts. here's to you, constant status updater, because you know, deep down, that other people do want to see a hundred funny pictures of your cat (and/or kids). and here's to me...cause if i have really become like all these other loons... i'll need a big ole glass of crazy with a twist just to keep up.

we don't do that here.

i love gatherings. i plan parties for fun. i buy dresses (on sale of course) just in case something comes up. i love it. coco chanel said once that "some girls were born with glitter in their veins" and i like to think that i am one of them. life is more fun when it sparkles.
that said, i can also be a big bucket of no fun if i want to be. another lovely lady i try to be at least a wee bit like is emily post, who said "etiquette is the science of living." she is right. there is a lot to be said for a glittery and gracious gal. i (naturally) am a fine example--if i do say so myself (kidding. gracious and braggadocious do not go hand in hand--i am aware).
anyway, why bother caring about being fun and sensible? why bother party planning and thank you note sending? why care what other people think of your behavior?
well, i'll tell you why, because if you don't you will spend quality time looking like a giant boob in front of your friends. because if you throw great parties and then act a fool people won't come back. because if you can't dress yourself appropriately for the town gala then you will be "that girl" for an undisclosed period of time.
regardless of how laid back my generation is or how open we are...we are crazy judgemental. case and point...this blog. people may say that they are super chill and super fun loving, but no one wants to look like a loser. no one wants to throw a shower and then not get invited to the event. no one wants to go to a wedding and then stand the whole ceremony because you decided to cheap out on seating. no one wants to drive to your birthday dinner and then find out no one bothered to make reservations for a party of 30 in advance. i mean let's be real...we expect things and when the expectations are not met...we tell everyone we know that your butt looked huge, the venue smelled like feet, the food was cold, and the drinks were (ugh) well. (none of which are compliments)
i have gone to weddings, taken gifts, driven across the state, and never received a thank you note. i have attended funerals in which an immediate family member showed up in a yellow leisure suit (this is to scary to be a lie). i have gone to fundraisers and watched people stumble around and lose a part of their anatomy from the top of their far to low cut dress. i have gone to weddings and watched people sneak out full bottles of wine from the bar, in turn, running up the bride's families tab. i have been to parties where the host didn't show up on time. for real.
i know what you are thinking...who the crap are your friends? the answer to that is, the people pointing and laughing at your attention grabbing but not so chanel fabulous behavior. all from our safe table of judgement, glitter, and poise...of course.
so here's to the people who think they are owed your presence and feel no need to thank you for your kindness. here's to the town drunks who may honestly not give a rip that they look a fool. here's to the party planners without a plan. and here's to me, who knows we don't do that here.