i have no secrets...

true story. if you want to know something about me...ask. i am usually just chomping at the bit to talk about myself. i mean, let's be honest. some people, however, over share. you know the type. instead of saying my tummy hurts, they exclaim in graphic detail how their women's problems really cramp their style. or instead of saying, where is your restroom, they announce what is about to go down once they get behind a stall door. i mean, really, is information always necessary? because in LOTS of situations i'm inclined to say that don't ask don't tell is a fair policy. but some people...
today i set out on a lunchtime adventure with a co-worker. our lunch conversations never lack substance, never lack humor, never lack a certain inappropriate fun factor, but they are typically our conversations. we have mastered the art of telling the whisper joke. we have perfected the art of pointing out "that person" without calling attention to ourselves. we are pros at leaving just enough to the imagination that the innocent bystander (if eavesdropping) would be curious and confused all at the same time. we are southern women and we know how to act.
but back to lunch...today we shared our area with some tourists from the north. we often share lunch with tourists since we live in a tourist town, but this day was extra special. these sweet visitors who are gladly pumping money into our local economy were textbook tourists. they were pale (with the exception of their sunburned necks), they were toting nylon backpacks, they were wearing sandals that would make you squirm, and dear old dad was sporting jorts. yes, they were textbook. but, what came from their mouths was neither anticipated, appropriate, nor quiet. and i loved the nightmare for all it was...awful.
the poor daughter was dressed like a hobo. every item was striped, bright, and too small. a happy as a lark little mis-matched girl. a girl who clearly has some concept of fashion (some tiny concept) but was stifled by her anti-stylish mom. when this little girl took a spot on the bench to wait she could not help but call attention to her mom's poor choice in apparel. "ugh, mom's wearing her spandex again." insert my giggle here. i was loving the honesty...until...mom replied in a loud and rather nasal sounding voice "yes, i am. when i get wet i chafe."
BOOM. what the crap just happened?! how do i not pee my pants with laughter? how do i not jerk my head around to look? how do i not yell "ewww!"? how do i stay calm and collected, and better yet, how will my friend not jump at this opportunity to bust a gut?
like i said before, us southern ladies know how to act...so we convulsed silently and waited for the traveling side show to leave our ear shot. then, we lost it. really? was that real life? did she say "wet" and "chafe" in one sentence? was that really out loud? was her husband not about to die of embarrassment? does she always share so so so very much info with the general public? and for goodness sake where was she going that needed a spandex lining?! (we could only hope dollywood's water ride department) regardless, it seems as if that conversation was neither well placed, well planned, nor well received.
again, as an over talker myself i know the temptation to be a goober. i know it is hard to stop yourself once your mouth is open and words are in progress. i know it is so easy to blurt a response. but i also know it is not always smart...and well, i always want to seem smart :)
so here's to the ladies who talk to loud in public--no we don't care what you ate for lunch or who you ate with, but we'll get over it. here's to the gals who can't keep a secret--secretly, we love all the information you share and would never admit to being closet busy bodies. here's to the females who must have the last word--we know it's a sickness and really you can't help it. and here's to the gals who tell way too much--please know chafing is never an appropriate subject for public places. and, chances are, the details of your child's birth, your recent stomach bug, the surprise romantic weekend, or your recent trip to the lady doctor are also not appropriate topics for the waiting area at your (or someone else's) local cafe.

p.s. jorts are so 1986...please have your husband return them to the decade in which he found them. bless his heart.

now you sir are a rare bird

so i recently went to have my car serviced. you know the routine oil change, tire rotation, alignment, brake inspection...the standard 2 hour activity. well, as i walk into the waiting area (complete with a gumball and runts machine) i notice that there is not an empty seat in the house. bummer.
why were so many people getting oil changes on this particular day? the answer is this...there weren't all that many people. however, when there is limited seating it fills up fast...especially when people are rude. much to my astonishment as i was standing in the open area near the bathrooms and taking a survey of the room i observed one man on his ipad taking up two seats (one for his butt and one for his bag), another man with a baby taking two seats (one for he and the baby and one for the carrier), and another man taking up two seats (one for his butt and one as a desk). a room full of men (and one sweet little me) and not a one of them cared that they had left a female standing by the bathroom. now, where i come from, that is unacceptable.
just as i was about to take my place in the middle of the room to preach about chilavry and common decency one little who in the corner looked up from his book. the youngest man in the room stood up. he abruptly moved and called across the room for me. he not only offered his seat, but he offered an apology as well! what?! he apologized for not offering a seat sooner and noted that he was embarassed he waited so long. (honestly it wasn't long at all but his production was just so kind i hated to interrupt him).
as the youngest man in the room insisted that i sit in his seat every other man in the room squirmed. bags and computers were cleared out of seats in rapid fashion...too little too late.
now, i believe in women's rights. i believe that women can do anything they want to do. i believe that women are strong and capable. i believe that i am no less valuable than any man. however, i also believe in being a gentleman and likewise, a lady.
the youngest male in the room set a rather pointed example. the youngest male in the room thought it mattered how he treated women. the youngest male in the room showed up all the other curmudgens with one swift move. and the only female in the room was so appreciative she just nearly invited him to dinner.
so here's to the guys who are willing to stand for a girl...thank you. here's to the guys who still know the value of being a gentleman...it's always in style. here's to the guys who plan to raise their sons to be respectful...their mommas will be so proud. and here's to the guy who gave me a seat...that little move made you the most attractive male in the room.