happy christmaween?

i love this time of year. i love halloween, i love love thanksgiving, and i love love love christmas. i truly enjoy all the festivities the business and the general good cheer that comes with this time of year. (i'm actually a little giggly just thinking about all the upcoming fun)
HOWEVER, what is crap is with all this holiday hodge podge. i love Hobby Lobby (i really do) and i love Target (way too much) but you two along with other major retailers can't seem to keep your calendars straight. why is it that when i go to look for a new costume for Ellie May (this year she will be a bunch of grapes) anyway, why is it that when i come costume shopping i have to power past partridge in a pear dishes and tree stands right in the fake eyeball aisle. i don't know why we are rushing through all this excitement.
another problem is created, and that is the demand. everyone is so afraid in july that when they go to buy a brand new witches cauldron in october there will be none in the greater knoxville area cause they were sold out and replaced with wooden signs sporting the phrase "jingle bell rock?!" i just don't understand. i don't want to buy googly eyes and newt tounges in the summer...i want them now...in october...in order to make my perfectly adorable juice potion in pottery barn apothecary jars. for real, who plans THAT far in advance.
and third, it really produces a waistline crisis. i have been dodging candy corn and mini snickers bars for so long that i feel like i live in a tasty war zone. and it's never ending, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin bread, pumpkin rolls, and cookies are around supporting turkey day. as if that is not enough to put you into a sugar induced coma; the christmas oreos are already starting to make their way to the shelves and i swear i heard the coca-cola santa packs are coming. this is way too much. i do not have that much willpower. who does?! AND if you can name a person who does or if you do then just know, i think your a weirdo.
so that said, i am tuning my pandora internet radio to "halloween party" for the rest of the weekend. Thriller? why yes please! so HAPPY HALLOWEEN to you and yours. but only halloween for now. the other well wishes will be coming later, dunked in a glass of egg nog.

clean up. company's coming.

this is a phrase i heard oh so often as a kid. at my house we didn't mind to live in our own mess we just didn't want other people to know we did. we would clean our house like it was about to endure military inspection before my grandma came to visit. and before christmas eve you would think that we had suddenly been asked to participate in the parade of homes. yes sir, we cleaned up before anyone had a chance to see our normal day mess.
now does this mean we lived in a trashed out home every day my grandma wasn't visiting. nope, not at all. but as most girls do, my sister and i never could get dressed in the morning without trying on the bulk of our belongings (nothing has changes) and then piling all the unsuitable attire on the bed. the bulk amount of clothes alone was enough to render a suprise visit from anyone a nightmare...for my mom.
i have recently learned, however, that other people do not share my families love for a tidy dwelling place. neither do they care if other people see the disaster they live in. how did i learn this you ask? i'll be happy to fill you in.
house hunting. house hunting should require a physical examination, at least 17 shots, and proper attire...a mask and gloves. people are disgusting and the most disgusting have decided that the only way to escape their filth is to sell their house. ever heard of merry maids? ever met mr. clean? would you mind to call in the brawny man? for real, your house needs some elbow grease and a bug bomb. yuck.
now i know that i have OCD tendencies. and i know that i am an organization freak. i know i was forced to value clean as a child. and i know that my 2nd biggest fear is hoarders. so clearly these things combine to make one tough critic...but come on. if you are trying to sell your house you don't need to advertize it's live in potential but displaying from floor to celing trophies that your child won 25 years ago and were only dusted the day it went on the shelf. you don't need to advertize that you are a top notch mechanic by leaving your 1984 trans am on blocks in your otherwise spacious garage (or driveway). and for goodness sake, do not advertize that your home is an artists dream come true by displaying all the colors that inspire you on the 4 walls in the master bedroom. what are you thinking? for real, are you kidding? do people put their house on the market as a hilarious candid camera bit?
needless to say i have been astonished. internet house shopping is so easy...and so misleading from time to time. realtors, you are so smart. you know just how to stand to catch the right amount of shadow and mask a wall color. you know just how to describe a gross dwelling place by saying it needs a little TLC. and you know just how to make a junk yard sound like the resident of an avid antiques collector.
my request, stop. please don't try to hide the disaster. please tell the hunter that "this place is a trainwreck and it needs an HGTV overhaul." and home owners, please, for the love of pete, clean your junk. depersonalize your house and try to be neutral. please, if you don't mind, pick up for dirty clothes and flush the toilet. here's a tip, when you sell your house, pretend that everyday it's on the market is a day you'll be getting a grandma visit. and if you have no intention of doing any of the above...leave a mask on the entry table (with some "thank you for stopping" prewrapped mini candy bars).

working 9 to 5

ok, so super lame title. i know. but what else would have possibly fit for a girl who literally works 9 to 5 in dolly's hometown.
i drive a long way to work and that is a time i really enjoy. mostly because it is quiet, i think of stuff to blog, and i catch up on celebrity gossip on the radio. in addition to all that serious stuff, i have decided a few things on my 45 minute one way commute.
1. working is for the birds.
2. i could be a better citizen if i had an endless cash flow.
3. i like stuff i can't afford.
now, since i am clearly a fan of not working, does that mean i don't like my job? nope. i actually love my job with my whole heart. i can't imagine doing anything else, and i know nothing else would fit me. but, i would be overjoyed if i could do the exact job i do now as a volunteer. i wish i could do work and let the church keep the money (of course i would need no bills and a bottomless pocketbook). i would be a force to be reckoned with if this were the case. BUT, it's not and love or no love...working is for the birds.
now how can money make me a better person? glad you asked. i like to help people out. i always want to give the hobo on the road some dinner money. i like to surprise the person behind me at starbucks with a free latte. i wish i could take every kid who needs new shoes shopping for all the things they lack. but the problem, i am doing good to feed and clothe myself sometimes. why can't i find that elusive money tree? why can't i fall in love and get married to a gatrillionaire who is a-ok with me staying at home and pursuing my passions and of course providing financial support to see my dreams through? why wasn't i born rich instead of so good looking? ugh...the plight of the pretty.
and maybe one of the most notorious hardships of this 9 to 5 gal is my champagne taste and beer budget. i like nice things. i like to buy stuff that will last. i like to redecorate every season. i like Tiffany's and Kate Spade, a lot. i like to be able to spend money. i just have some sort of imbalance that makes me only drawn to stuff i have to save up my sofa change to get. maybe i'm not the only person who suffers from budget breaks and buyers remorse. but i'm the only person i know who is affected by my parameters specifically...therefore, i feel sorry for me. again, this could be cured with a money tree or sugar daddy. i'm not (that) picky.
in the meantime, i'll keep buying $1 mcdonald's sweet tea instead of mcalisters yummier version. i'll keep shopping the clearance racks at target. i'll keep donating the tiny amounts of change i have to every sports team and bell ringer outside of walmart. i'll keep driving my fairly base model xterra. i'll even keep my "special moments only" policy for Tiffany and Kate.
but, when i'm a gatrillionaire, watch out. oprah and the queen will have noting on me. and on forbes magazine...i'll choose to smile next to dolly p. what up.

we were like peas and carrots...

had you asked me when i was a kid, teenager, or even about 2 months ago i would have NEVER admitted to being anything like my younger sister. just for reference:
i wear dark jeans with a standard bootcut bottom.
she wears neon purple denim that is so tight legged i can see her knee cap.
i have a standard and fairly boring haircut with just the right amount of natural looking low and highlights.
she has long locks with a trendy blue color gracing the top.
i have a nissan xterra that gets regular baths and has no "flair" on the outside.
she drives a ford truck that has hit everything in knoxville and has a sticker to cover every emotion or promote every band since 2001.
i love and only watch csi:ny.
she only watches csi (the original in vegas).
i am short and stout. yep, top and bottom heavy.
she is tall and perfectly proportioned. (thus the skinny jeans)
i could really go on forever. and ever. but i don't want to. so here's a visual to help you wrap your mind around this polar opposite sibling syndrome.
this is me working at church camp

this is laura going to work

in all honesty, other than our parents, we don't have that much in common. but somehow i find that even with all our differences we are sometimes like peanut butter and jelly, milk and cookies, coke and cherry. way different, true. but most people like the two together. they work out ok.
that's what i'm learning about my little sister. she doesn't look, act, or sound like me...BUT when we hang out it is usually an alright time. we laugh at similar jokes, situations, blah blah. we both love stories. we both can break a sweat lip syncing to journey (seperate ways usually gets the best response). we both love pauley shore and think that he is terribly tallented. we both like peas with mashed potatoes. the aspca commercials make us mad. and i've never seen either of us say no to ice cream.
do we get along? sometimes. do we have similar goals? nope. do we both have the stellar personality that i was blessed with? not really. BUT we both love hockey. that's common enough ground to enjoy each other's company...if i do say so myself.
had you asked me before, i would have said we were scary different. i would have said she's the skinny one that looks like a native american. i would have said she is the one who yells a lot. i would have said you got lucky when you met me rather than my stinking sister. BUT not so much now. i find myself defending her dumb times. asking for her music so i can update my playlists for free. arguing with mom on her behalf. battling her at wii baseball and not punching her in the throat when she's a punk. and i even find myself paying for her dinner so she can keep her money.
if aging is responsible for this epiphany than i am scared to know what else i will discover. i could be wrong about other things and start to change how i function. i mean it happened this time.
nope, i doubt it.

this is football...

...all the people want to hear about is touchdowns and injuries.
right. that's all they care about. if that is all people really care about then i am going to personally extend an invitation to the cheerleaders to meet me at the gnome during halftime of the really cold games. no reason to freeze in a tiny skirt if no one cares.
in the south, football is about the touchdowns and injuries, BUT it is also about the tailgate and dress color. girls in the south do everything up right...well most of us. we match our purse to our shoes, we accessorize with zeal (and i don't mean a cheese hat or foam finger), and we can make a mean cobbler. yes sir, there is something about us southern girls that is unmatched by any other female from any other geographical location. we have secret dip recipes for game day (well actually you can have the recipe if you ask we keep no secrets). we have a special section of clothes in our closet dedicated to fall saturdays. and after you turn 55 you get special bracelets, earrings, and reading glasses to promote your favorite boys. after 55 you also take advantage of senior shopping day at belk but that is for another blog. a true southern girl makes the most of football season and all the people associated with it.
now i'm sure you are wondering why get dressed up for a ball game? why get dressed up to walk up stadium stairs an eat hot dogs? don't worry i'll tell you.
the tailgate. the tailgate is just as important as the game. for some people the tailgate is the reason they never actually make it in the stadium (but those people are ill behaved). the tailgate is not just a way to grill before a game; it is a chance to meet and greet. to network with the guy who has a business that could benefit your own. to say hello to so and so's new girlfriend that you have to be nice to regardless of the fact that she is from new york city. the tailgate is a chance to show off your new orange purse! and if you don't have one to show off kate spade did have a nice selection of orange on sale...you're welcome. the tailgate is a way to enjoy the people you see all the time, in a public setting, under a tent that you had at "T" printed on just for game day. plus the tailgate is assurance that you won't miss the traditional "Vol Walk." it is here that you set the tone for the ball game. it is here that you decide who you will invite over to your house for the away games. and it is here that you check out the boys at the other tailgate tents. (you will recognize the acceptable one by their sear sucker pants or special saturday pants, polo shirts, sperry top-siders or rainbows,croakies, and orange solo cups.)
let's just say you can't make it to the stadium or it is (ugh) and away game. well, that doesn't slow us down or change the color of the sweater around our necks. not one bit. away games mean gatherings. it means opening up your house to your male and female friends and providing a nice arrangement of heavy appetizers and a fresh, clean flat screen. away games have the ability to be just as fun and are for sure just as important socially. in the south, saturday means football, period. and a true southern girl is always ready for the game.
so, here's to the southern girls who walk from the garage to the stadium in heels just because they make her legs look longer. here's to the southern girls who stay up all night on a friday to cook yummy snacks for everyone under the tent. here's to southern girls who can keep up with the boys while keeping their dress clean and their pearls in one piece. here's to the southern girls who are older than all the college students but still have as much energy. here's to the southern girls who show up in pin attire and sport buttons that share how much their sorority loves the team. here's to the girls of fall, thanks for making every gathering classy and memorable.